My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
