totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I need a beard to bite.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
