so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
