The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
