What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
