i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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