It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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