if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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