bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
