i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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