theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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