I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
