I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize