mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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