Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
