My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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