In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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