if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
