I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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