turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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