to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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