Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
