Barsexuality is the new black.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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