guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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