You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
