Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
