ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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