Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
