Screwed.edu
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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