Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
