I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
