I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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