John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
