one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
