she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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