Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
