whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize