So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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