my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
