Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
