if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
