I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
