I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize