i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
