You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
