I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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