you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
