If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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