My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
