Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
