Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
