We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
