and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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