I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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