Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize