so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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