the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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