Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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